Who’s Really Raising Your Kids? Challenging the Guilt That Keeps You From Getting Help
April 16, 2025
As a Physician mom, the idea that someone else is raising your children because you have help? It’s not just false — it’s harmful.
My Parents Worked. I Was Still Raised.
I was raised in Trinidad and Tobago by two incredibly hardworking people — Lucille and Selwyn Luces. My mother worked long nights in Parliament as a Verbatim Reporter. My father was an engineer who went back to school for his MBA. They always worked.
We had help:
A housekeeper, Auntie Rita, who supported us in the home. A driver who got us to and from school (not fancy — just how things worked back home).
Extended family and neighbors who filled in the gaps.
Still, I would never say I wasn’t raised by my parents. They shaped me. Their values are in everything I do. Their sacrifices made me who I am.
So when someone told me recently, “Oh, so someone else is going to raise your kids?” because I mentioned getting an au pair, I was stunned.
Wait, what?
Where Did This Belief Even Come From?
I used to think this was just an odd comment. But I’ve since learned — it’s common. Especially among working moms. Especially among Physician moms.
Somewhere along the way, our society decided that unless you're present for every snack, every nap, every diaper, every school pickup — you're not actually raising your child.
Let’s challenge that:
Do you think sending your child to school means you’re not raising them?
Do you believe you stop being a parent when they’re at soccer practice or grandma’s house?
Are you really suggesting that “raising” a child is about clocking hours like a shift worker?
Because I don’t. And I never have.
Raising Children Is About Presence — Not Proximity
To me, raising my children looks like this:
Shaping how they view the world
Teaching them how to love themselves and others
Correcting harmful behaviors
Modeling kindness, discipline, and thoughtfulness
Explaining what’s expected — and why
I do all of that whether my child is in daycare or in my arms. Whether I have a nanny or I’m homeschooling.
My daughter goes to daycare. My son had a nanny. And I still raise them every single day.
When they ask for something, I make them say please.
When they act out, I don’t brush it off. I talk. I guide. I lead.
Even in the few waking hours we get during a busy workday, the intentionality of that time is what matters.
And I know I’m not alone.
Why This Hurts Physician Moms the Most
This narrative hits differently for women in medicine.
We’re told to sacrifice everything for our careers — and then judged for continuing to work once we have children.
We internalize guilt that has nothing to do with truth, and everything to do with patriarchy, perfectionism, and pressure.
So let me say this clearly:
You are not failing as a mother because you have help.
You are not less loving because you work full-time.
You are not absent because you need rest.
The Truth About the Village
We love to quote “it takes a village” — until a mom actually builds one.
Let me remind you what that saying actually means:
YOU are part of the village. You and your partner are the main characters. The village doesn’t replace you — it supports you.
And let’s be real:
When mothers don’t have a village, we call them superhuman.
When they do have a village, we call them lazy.
No wonder so many Physician moms are walking around exhausted and guilt-ridden. We can't win under these standards. So let’s stop playing by them.
Benefits of Having Help
Let’s not just dismantle the guilt — let’s reframe it entirely. There are real benefits to your children when you get support:
Diverse perspectives: Children learn different ways of thinking from the people around them.
Stronger boundaries: You’re able to be more emotionally regulated and present when you’re not stretched thin.
Better modeling: When you pursue your passions and show up with intention, you’re teaching your kids what a full life looks like.
Confidence through structure: A well-supported household leads to stability — and that translates into security for your children.
Questions to Reflect On
If you're still wrestling with guilt, ask yourself:
What definition of “raising kids” have I internalized?
Where did that belief come from?
Does it actually align with my values and reality?
Am I modeling the life I want my children to see as possible?
You Are Not Alone — and You’re Doing It Right
I’m 37 years old. Raised by working parents. Supported by a village.
And I can say with full confidence: I was raised.
My kids will say the same about me.
So if you’re hiring a nanny, exploring an au pair, or simply feeling guilt about daycare — I hope you hear this in your heart:
You are raising your children.
You are doing it well.
And you were never meant to do this alone.
Let that belief go.
And give yourself the freedom to build the life you want — supported, resourced, and still fully present.
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